|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| i'm just a big kid. i feel like i'm more simple minded now.
| | |
| senior year. yup. already here.
up late morning trying to pursue my interests when i should be getting some sleep and studying for SATs, finishing up college applications, homework, taking care of myself and surviving cross country, ASB, lion dance and YLA. no times for friends or interests. =/
anyhow, i've recently started developing strong interests in beatboxing, martial arts, longboarding, photography, nutrition, art, movies, screen-writing, filming, DJ, triathlons, health-related stuff, origami, psychology, sociology, woodshop, graphic designing, surfing, cooking, road trips and some other stuff that i can't even think of.
too much on my list. hopefully i'll get to some in my life time.
| | |
| occupational therapy internship, 2 online classes, 1 college class, studying for SAT again, summer homework, ASB, XC, a little bit of hanging out.
that's pretty much my whole summer.
so much i want to do, but ain't got no time.
i have 168 hours a week.
time is too short.
i've been trying to lead a very simple life, but it's not easy. i used to think simply, but now i feel inadequate if i don't think, but then again i don't want to think too much. balance balance balance...why are you so hard to maintain?
| | |
| for the first time a hella long time, i feel convicted about my beliefs. things i was passionate about i no longer care. but just like 1 sec, i felt convicted in the middle of the night. ignored it, went back to sleep. went to bed with the ipod on. and then i went to bed with about 483 songs on my playlist, and then i sleep peacefully through all the secular songs, and then i wake up hearing christian music. for some strange reason, i felt paralyzed with fear. i felt uncertain with my life. as much i want to say i am independent and can almost do everything on my own, i feel like i'm always lacking in some area. i don't feel empty or depressed, just convicted. but anyhow, this conviction made me want to humble myself down, but truth is, i dont want to. i don't want to say sorry to people. i don't want to make it up to people, but there's this strong tugging in my heart that i should. even though i don't really owe these people an apology, there's a pulling in my heart that i had in 7th grade. to be more compassionate. to show the world God's love. but too bad, i don't really believe in that. faith is something you'll have to work for, and i'm not going to do that anymore. my relationship with "God" is pretty like a tennis court. one sec, i'll believe, and the other sec, i'll just be indifferent. i see like people on facebook with so many christian bibilical quotes or I love God and Jesus loves you. i don't know, maybe i made it religion, but at times, i felt like it wasn't. and i can't sleep now because i still have this conviction. i dont want to go back to church, i don't want to deal with god. i used to care about what other people thought of me because i wanted people to think of me as a morally good Christian who truly and genuinely loved God, but i found that life impossible. or at least when i did, i felt so alone. and now i don't care about what other people think of me. think of me as if im mean or nice, the differences don't really matter. just takes things as they come and go. nothing's permanent. this kind of carefree attitude gives me a lot more freedom and happiness i guess.
i swear, it feels so weird knowing that i'll be a senior. preschool, elementary school, and high school. 17 years old, soon to be 18 years old. god, when you say it like that, you wonder where all those years gone by. i've tried to live up to expectations of a 17 year old, but truth is, i feel less of a 17 year old. i don't think i kind of meet all the requirements that normal teenagers do. i feel spoiled. sheltered. stupid at times. and i wonder how this year will turn out and that "legacy" i want to leave behind. everybody wants to change the school, but do i have enough faith? i don't think i do.
and then now, my conviction is telling me to live my life for God again. i don't want to. i'll let my stubbornness wear out. who knows. maybe it'll take another 10 years or whatever. i just wonder...if people say you can have all the friends in the world, you'll still loneliness. how come some people feel it, and then some people do not?
i wanted to make my life my own, but there are times where i feel like it's no longer in my control, but destined by some force or God.
life questions again. -___- just wanna live life simply.
or is my life's calling meant to do more?
| | |
|
|
